Getting Past Everyday Discrimination
This guest post is from longtime Resilient Church friend Todd Matia. Todd is a magazine publisher in Colorado Springs, and a former math and engineering instructor. He is an active Young Life club advisor, and a dedicated Jesus follower.
Warning- long post: The relevance of my story in the midst of our crazy world.
Okay. I have to say something. I have been avoiding it because I don’t want to propagate further discussion about the racism topic (mostly I would rather focus on unity), and I thought it would be like anything else and there would be the new weekly thing to be passionate about… but it’s not going away, and maybe that’s not an entirely bad thing. Maybe it is creating just enough room for us all to have a real stab at understanding one another.
So, I just want to be clear about a few things. First, hate is hate, and it’s been around long before this election. I would actually say that I am thankful for the awareness the election has brought, but I vehemently deny that it, or anyone in particular, is the cause. The reality is that people are finally starting to understand what kids/people go through on a daily basis. I’m not sure why they didn’t see it before the election.
How would I know? Well, for starters, I am an adopted Korean that grew up in a white family with an adopted Korean sister. The first day of kindergarten I was told, by one of my now-friends, that I couldn’t swing on the swing set. I didn’t understand what the words meant when this boy said, “Go away chink. You don’t get a turn.” I didn’t get it, and I imagine he didn’t really either. Regardless, I didn’t like being told I couldn’t do something. Later that day my mom’s heart broke, as she had to explain to me what happened and what that word meant. I made a vow that day that no one would tell me what I could and couldn’t do. I spent many more days of my elementary school years getting into fights on the playground because I wouldn’t back down to people who thought they were better than me for some reason. The people I distinctly remember fighting were white, black, Hispanic, and all sorts of other races. Through the years I have figured out that it wasn’t a color thing as much as it was a, “I’m going to mess with the kid that is different than me, and by the way he is extra fun to mess with because it really bothers him.” I was playing their game.
A second distinct instance I remember was when my mom and I went to a local restaurant staffed by older German women. I wanted a pastry after having to have my eyes dilated while getting my first pair of glasses. I was in second grade and my mom was trying to teach me about the value of money and sent me to the counter by myself to get us both another icing topped, delicious, flaky, German pastry. I stood in line and proudly held the money anticipating when it would be my turn to order, pay and get my prize. My mom grew impatient and peeked around the corner to see what was taking so long. The next thing I knew, she had angrily grabbed my hand and walked me out the door to the car. She wasn’t angry at me. She was angry with the women behind the counter that were making a distinct choice to call the non-Asian customers ahead of me. I didn’t get it, but my mom did. I was pretty upset… I REALLY wanted another pastry.
As the years passed, I experienced issues of discrimination, but they became less and less about my race. I still experienced those moments too, but they had become the norm. I was more frustrated because I was picked on because I wore glasses… braces… less expensive clothes. I was picked on because I was short. I was treated unfairly, at least in my mind, because of my size. I was picked on because I was good in school. Girls didn’t like me because I was the cute Asian kid, not the good looking white kid… maybe… it could have been that I was just a bit goofy and socially awkward too. Guys didn’t like me because I didn’t know who Iron Maiden was, and didn’t have a cool lunch box like them. My parents listened to the Bee Gees and John Denver, what can I say?? I got picked on because I was a boy scout. I got picked on for a lot of different things.
When I hit junior high, we went down to play football at the local park. I remember the foggy weather. I remember a little of the football. I definitely remember a friend of ours yelling “Duke” every time he wanted me to pass him the ball. I remember the laughter of everyone after the game when I asked, “Why is he calling me Duke?”. After the laughter subsided, they told me that he had been calling me “gook” the whole time. I remember thinking, “How dumb are you? I’m not a chink or a gook. I’m Korean.” Still, I was annoyed that the race thing was still a thing.
Don’t get me wrong, the Asian race thing has had its benefits. Many times teachers assumed I was smart because I was Asian. I got better grades on equally bad papers as the ones my friends turned in. I was branded as racially neutral when we were having race issues at school between the black and white kids (1990’s). I didn’t have the stigma of not liking someone simply because of my color. I embraced my shortness and realized it was great when traveling because every seat was first-class. It really wasn’t that bad. I was never branded a criminal or thug because of my race, just as an outsider that couldn’t say “fried” correctly… even though I could.
“So what’s the point of all of this, Todd?” I guess my point is that I could share dozens of other stories where I could highlight kids making fun of my eyes, friends making politically incorrect jokes about my race (somehow it was okay because we were friends), people treating me poorly or trying to fire me because I am a Christian, people assuming I don’t like them because they have labeled me, etc, etc.
But one thing I realized while teaching for 16 years in a high school is that everyone gets picked on for something. Everyone gets judged for something. “You’re not smart enough.” “You’re too smart.” “You’re not “black” enough.” “That’s gay.” “You’re gay.” “You’re too fat.” “You’re to skinny.” “Band Geek.” “Math nerd” “Why do you look like you haven’t showered in days?” “Why are you wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday?” “Why do you always have to take care of your siblings?” “Nice braces.” “Who smells?” “You dress like a slut.” “At least my parents came here legally.” “You are worthless.” “You should just kill yourself”.
The worst part is when our own voice becomes part of the barrage against ourselves. We become really good at saying these things silently in our own minds.
During that time teaching I had to turn in multiple notebooks to the administration with swastikas and hate messages on them. I had to make kids take off offensive clothing. We had to clean spray painted hate symbols off of the side of the school. We had to clean hate messages written on the bathroom mirrors and stalls.
So again, Todd, what’s the point?? The point is that hate is not new. Hate from others. Hate from ourselves. Hate toward others. Hate is not born of Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, or the recent election campaigns. I will admit that it may have been uncovered. I’m glad that you have become aware of it. I’m glad that it is moving you to post on Facebook. My major hope is that you will be moved enough to stay the long course of doing something about it. Will it matter in two weeks? Two months? Two years? Will you take the time to teach your kids? Will you take the time to identify the places where you say things that hurt the people around you? Will you look within your own heart to determine if there are places that are not highlighted by the media that cause you to have poor opinions of homeless beggars, people of faith, people of specific races, people with poor fashion taste, people with addictions… politicians… republicans… democrats…. conservatives… liberals? Ultimately, the only thing we can control is our own behavior and our own choices; the way we raise our own kids.
If you have been discriminated against, will you choose to live as a victim, or will you choose to be a positive voice and example? Will you allow you to be yourself and not label yourself based on what you SHOULD be like?
Will you recognize that it is not about simply removing bad thoughts from our thinking, but it is more about replacing them with something more positive? We have to make choices to love the people around us. That doesn’t mean you can’t have convictions. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have standards. It does mean that we have to make intentional choices that being unified and being together, is more important than being right.
I imagine most people will never make it to the end of this one, but writing this was just as much for me as anyone else. If anything, maybe you understand a little more of why I am so stubborn about accomplishing things that people tell me I cannot.
In the end, I want to say that I am thankful for my amazing friends, my amazing family, and my amazing God for always having my back and for always making me feel welcome, even in the times I have felt unwelcome in the world.
“Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.”